In Which Sideswipe was Bored with a Board by a Boar while Bored
by murtlewikisam
Summary: There's an intruder in Autobot Headquarters, and it's determined to end Sideswipe's life. Can Prowl catch the culprit before it's too late?


This story is set in an alternate universe that my brother and I created whilst playing transformers. A few things you should know are that Autobot Headquarters is located in the rocky mountains and Decepticon HQ is currently on the moon. The Autobot chain of command is Optimus Prime as commanding officer of course, Ultra Magnus and Rodimus are his seconds, and Prowl and Jazz are his thirds. Ultra Magnus and Rodimus were on a mission of utmost importance in Tahiti during the events of this fic. There are Autobots and Decepticons from various TF generations in this AU, and there are certain familial relationships throughout. The important ones in this story are that Bluestreak and Prowl are brothers, and Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, and Red Alert are triplets. Also, this story is entirely my brother's fault.

Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own transformers. I'm not rich enough. Hasbro and Takara are the true owners.

-In which Sideswipe was Bored with a Board by a Boar while Bored-

Autobot Headquarters: 2:36 PM

Prowl frowned at Sideswipe's dead(?) body before turning back to Powerglide. "You say a boar did this." He said, skepticism dripping from his voice.  
Powerglide sighed before nodding. "Yes. A boar."  
"As in an earth mammal. Specifically a wild male swine." Prowl raised an optic ridge. "You do realize that even the largest recorded boar-or swine in general-barely comes up to Sideswipe's _ankle_."  
Letting out another agitated sigh, Powerglide nodded again. "Yes. I'm aware." At the third-in-command's continued disbelief, Powerglide turned to Huffer and rung his servos in a 'help me' manner.  
Huffer groaned before looking at Prowl with the most put-upon expression ever. "Look Prowl, give us a break! Does this really sound like something we'd make up?"  
Prowl narrowed his optics. "You are telling me that a wild organic pig somehow infiltrated the base, decided it did not like the resident red pitspawn, and not only knocked out and/or killed a skilled frontliner, but did so to one that is made of metal and several times its size. Forgive me for being skeptical."  
Powerglide frowned. "We're not making this up Prowl! I swear!"  
Prowl sighed, inwardly bemoaning the fact that his job as third-in-command had been relegated to glorified babysitter. "How much of..._this_ did you see, exactly?"  
"Just him falling and the...boar in question running further into the base." Huffer replied.  
"How long ago was this?"  
"About a half hour ago."  
Prowl shuttered his optics slowly. "Then would you kindly explain why I was only informed of this five minutes ago? And while you are at it, why, pray tell, have you not taken him to the medbay?"  
"Well...we were kind of in shock..."  
"He is bleeding all over the floor."  
"A pig tried to kill him! I think I had a systems crash!"  
"Ratchet is going to kill you."  
"...Oh yeah..."  
Prowl sighed. "As if it was not hard enough already to keep that pitspawned glitch alive..." He muttered. "Take him to the medbay. Now. Then run to Optimus. He likes you better alive. I need to get to the bottom of...this."  
Powerglide and Huffer nodded in unison and scuttled over to pick up the downed warrior. "If it helps any Prowl, I saw Bulkhead and Skyfire running after uh, the boar." Powerglide said, hoping to get back on Prowl's good side.  
Prowl stopped and glanced back. "Very well, I shall spare you from having to tell Red Alert and Sunstreaker of this." He smirked slightly as he heard twin sighs of relief from behind. 'Now to find Bulkhead and Skyfire.' He thought, marching out the door.

Autobot Headquarters: 3:01 PM

Prowl let out an agitated sigh as he once again failed to find his two...'witnesses' he supposed, in a hall. Giving up on finding them the old fashioned way, and having already learned that they were ignoring their comms, he decided to call in backup. ::Red Alert?:: He commed, barely keeping the groan out of his voice. He was hoping he wouldn't have to tell the security director anything until he had all the facts. But no. He can't have nice things. His witnesses had to play hide and seek.  
::Yes sir?:: Came the reply.  
::I am afraid that there has been a little...incident involving your brother.:: Prowl started, hoping for the love of Primus that the story wouldn't crash Red Alert's logic center.  
::...What has Sideswipe done this time?::  
::Nothing. Except, apparently, get stabbed through the chest by an especially angry boar in the rec room.::  
::...What?::  
Prowl took a deep vent and ground out the story a second time. ::It would appear that an invading boar took quite the disliking to Sideswipe and decided to impale him with...something. It is not quite clear yet what was used.::  
::...A...boar...?::  
Primus, was _this_ how Powerglide and Huffer felt? ::...Yes.::  
::But a boar is...and he's...I don't...how..? Ugh, my processor...never mind. Is he...alright?::  
Oh good. Red Alert didn't crash. How nice. Maybe he can have nice things. ::I am not sure. I have not heard from Ratchet yet. I would assume so.:: He hoped so. If a boar of all things killed Sideswipe then logic was a lie. ::Nevertheless I am in need of your assistance in locating Bulkhead and Skyfire.::  
There was silence for a few moments before Red Alert responded. ::They are currently in hall 34-A chasing something. I assume it's our...invader.::  
::...Thank you. I shall head that way. And...do try and figure out how it got in. Prowl out.::

Autobot Headquarters: 3:13 PM

"A board." Prowl was starting to believe that his life had turned into a really bad soap opera. "You are telling me, that Sideswipe was stabbed in the chest by a boar that was inexplicably wielding a ten foot two-by-four board."  
Skyfire nodded.  
"...Just to clarify, you do mean wood, correct?"  
"Yeah." Bulkhead replied. "It was the strangest thing I'd ever seen."  
"I do not doubt it." Prowl said humorlessly. "And just what have you been doing in the past hour? Rather than reporting this?"  
"Oh, er, well, we were going to report it, but then that murderous swine ran out of the room." Bulkhead said, somewhat sheepish.  
"We noticed Powerglide and Huffer walking in so we thought they'd call it in, giving us the chance to catch up with the boar." Skyfire supplied. "We figured we should best catch it before it hurt anyone else."  
"What I really want to know, is how it got in." Bulkhead stated.  
"Yes, I have Red Alert figuring that out." Prowl assured. "And they called it in all right. Twenty five minutes later." The two bots in front of him cringed. "Now, as I am certain you noticed, we currently have a murderous swine running amok in possession of a ridiculously large wooden board and an irrational hatred of Sideswipe. You two are to go on a hog hunt, and I want that boar turned over to Hound by the end of the day. Do I make myself clear?"  
"Perfectly clear, sir." The two Autobot soldiers affirmed.  
"Good. Now have either of you seen Jazz anywhere? I need to speak with him."

Autobot Headquarters: 3:20 PM

Prowl frowned as he paced in Optimus Prime's office. A board. A _wooden_ board. A two-by-four. Two-by-fours had flat edges. So not only did they have an armed boar with a penchant for impaling red lamborghinis, they had a very _strong_ armed boar with a penchant for impaling red lamborghinis. It had to have abnormal strength to not only pierce Sideswipe's thick metal armor, but do so with the flat side of a piece of _wood_. Prowl sighed. 'Why me?' He thought before sitting down on one of the guest chairs.  
"Yo, Prowl! Ya wanted ta talk ta me?" A voice said as the door hissed shut.  
Prowl looked up, easily recognizing Jazz's voice. "Yes, I did. You and Prime. Who is late."  
Jazz grinned. "Aw, come on! Give Prime a break! He's just fashionably late!"  
Prowl glared half-heartedly. "I may not be a fashion expert by any means, but I am certain being late is not fashionable." The way Prowl saw it, Prime's lateness simply cemented the fact that he couldn't have nice things.  
Jazz, of course, was not privy nor welcome to his thoughts, so he plowed on ahead. "No, no, no. Ya see it's not the being late that's fashionable. It's being late 'cause ya just _had_ ta wax one last time before ya left."  
Before Prowl could think of a suitable retort, the door opened to admit Optimus Prime himself. "Heh, speak of the devil." Jazz laughed. "Nice of ya ta join us Prime!"  
"Sorry for being late, it's just I've been having the hardest time ditching Huffer and Powerglide." Optimus said, noticing Prowl's annoyance. "Now, what is it that you wished to speak with us about?"  
Prowl stared. He hadn't expected those two to take his joking advice seriously. Then again, maybe he should have. After all, he rarely made jokes. If Sideswipe were there, he'd tell him that he needed to lighten up more. But he wasn't. He was in the medbay, nine tenths dead from boar-induced injury. Speaking of which..."The base is currently under attack. The perpetrator is approximately two and a half feet tall, and is armed with a ten foot two-by-four wooden board. He possesses abnormal strength and has already taken out Sideswipe. Stabbed him with the board. Did I mention that the perpetrator is a literal murderous swine?"  
Jazz stared. So did Optimus Prime. Giving Prowl the chance to contemplate how much they both resembled fish in that moment.  
"A murderous swine? Whadda ya mean literal?...Wait...ya mean an _actual pig_ took out Sideswipe?" Jazz sputtered, completely bewildered.  
"You can't be serious." Optimus blurted, clearly in denial.  
Prowl gave them the flattest of flat looks, looking one hundred and ten percent done with this whole debacle. "Sadly, I am very serious." He sighed. "Besides, I am hardly known for my jokes. In fact, I am known for my lack of jokes."  
Optimus brought a servo up and scrubbed it down his face. "Of all the times for Ultra Magnus and Rodimus to be gone..." Sighing in defeat, he dropped his servo back to his side. "What happened, exactly?"  
"Yeah, I kinda wanna know that myself." Jazz added, looking curious despite the lingering shock.  
"Well," Prowl started. "According to Skyfire, Sideswipe walked into the rec room at one thirty. Bulkhead entered about ten minutes later. It is unknown when the boar entered, but it impaled Sideswipe at about two o'clock. Sideswipe evidently did not realize what was happening until it was too late. The boar itself went unnoticed until its attack, and Skyfire and Bulkhead chased it as it made its escape. Powerglide and Huffer walked in as they left, finding Sideswipe bleeding on the ground."  
Jazz grimaced at that. "So, uh...where's the pig?"  
"Running amok throughout the base with its board. I have Bulkhead and Skyfire hunting it down."  
"And Sideswipe?" Optimus asked.  
"In the medbay and still alive, if Ratchet's silence is to be trusted. Unless, of course, his silence means his logic center crashed."  
"Do Red Alert and Sunstreaker know?"  
"Red Alert does. I have not gotten to informing Sunstreaker yet. I needed Red Alert to help me find Bulkhead and Skyfire."  
"I see. Well then. Jazz, go out and get the others to help with finding this slippery swine. Prowl, you had best inform Sunstreaker of...this...before he finds out himself. After all, Sideswipe hasn't annoyed him or anyone else for over an hour now. He's bound to get suspicious sooner or later."  
Prowl nodded. "Yes sir." Despite how reluctant he was to tell the yellow frontliner of his brother's condition, Optimus had a point. Sunstreaker wasn't known to be the forgiving sort nor the predictable sort, so who knows how he'd react if he learned of this incident from one of the other soldiers. Although...maybe he'd get lucky. Maybe Red Alert told him. He'd take it better from his own brother after all.

Autobot Headquarters: 3:25 PM

Prowl sat down in his(rather comfortable)chair after entering his office. Informing volatile soldiers of absurd events was not on his to-do list for the day. Or the week. Or his life. But he really should have expected the unexpected. After all, a babysitter's life was full of the unexpected. Not sending Sideswipe to the medbay though. That was expected. He was always getting himself sent there. Or the brig. Or both. Letting out an exasperated groan, Prowl activated his commlink. ::Sunstreaker, I need you to come to my office for a minute.:: He said, sounding perfectly normal.  
::...I'll be right there.:: Sunstreaker replied. He sounded quite exasperated himself, not that Prowl could blame him. He probably thought Sideswipe did something. Again. To be fair, that was one of the two reasons Prowl usually called him in like this, the other being when Sunstreaker himself did something. Sunstreaker hadn't done anything, so naturally, Sideswipe must have. If Prowl had called Red Alert during his off-time rather than when he was working security, he probably would have assumed the same thing.  
Upon hearing the door hiss open, Prowl looked up and was surprised to see Bluestreak and not Sunstreaker. "Yes, Bluestreak? What is it?"  
"Hey Prowl, are you busy? You look busy well actually you look kinda irritated I won't take long I promise I was just wondering if you sent Sideswipe to the brig or something 'cause I can't seem to find him anywhere and I've looked all over the base and he's not answering his comms either and I was kinda starting to get a little worried but then I remembered that you disable a bot's comms when they're in the brig or is he in the medbay did he try snowboarding again or something I told him snowboarding was a bad idea he never listens to me when I tell him something's a bad idea in fact I'm pretty sure Red Alert yelled at him for about an hour when he tried it and I think Sunstreaker smacked him too but then he seems to do lots of dumb things in his war against boredom in fact I bet he's the reason that pig's in the artillery closet did you know that there's a pig in the artillery closet I bet he gave it that board too what was he hoping would happen anyway that's strange even for him-"  
Prowl shuttered his optics. "Wait Bluestreak wait." Bluestreak closed his mouth with an audible click. "There is a pig with a board in the artillery closet?"  
Bluestreak nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! It kept carrying this board around like it was a shotgun or something I mean really what was Sides thinking it would do anyway I mean c'mon it's a pig did he want it to build a clubhouse or fort or what I don't think pigs are known for their building skills though so maybe not and you never answered my question about whether or not you sent him to the brig..."  
"How long ago and in which artillery closet did you see the pig?"  
"About five minutes ago in closet C...why are you so interested in this pig anyway and are you going to tell me where Sides is or not?"  
"Sideswipe is in the medbay, Bluestreak." Prowl answered absentmindedly. ::Jazz? I have just learned that Bluestreak saw the boar in artillery closet C five minutes ago. Over."  
"The medbay? Why? He _did_ go snowboarding didn't he I should've known he'd do it again he never learns-"  
::Closet C ya say? Roger that! I'll grab Mirage and Gears and head right on over!:: Jazz replied.  
"-or maybe he ate something organic again why does he do that so much he _knows_ Ratchet hates it when he does that but he keeps doing it last time it was a banana and before that it was-"  
::Yes, please do. Normally I would not be so concerned about a boar amongst our weapons but boars do not normally stab us. I worry about what it would do if it somehow got a gun and knew how to operate it.:: Prowl said, focusing more on Jazz than Bluestreak's babbling.  
::Yeah,:: Jazz agreed. ::It might try ta finish ol' Siders off.::  
::Indeed. So hurry, please.::  
"-and there was also that time he attacked Cyclonus by himself and got trashed-"  
"Bluestreak, he was attacked by that pig you saw."  
"-I mean really he should have expected Demolishor to be right th-huh? He...wha... huh?" Bluestreak gaped at Prowl rather confused.  
Ah. Silence. So he _can_ have nice things. "You heard me."  
"Guh...huh?"  
"Alright, Bluestreak. This is very important. Did the pig make any attempt to harm you?" Not once did Prowl think that he would ever ask a question like that while still being both sane and serious.  
"...Buh..." Bluestreak replied intelligently.  
Prowl was starting to feel an extreme urge to slam his head onto his desk. "Bluestreak, please. I need to know this."  
"...Guh...Uh-uh..." Bluestreak shook his head indicating no. Alright then. This boar seemed to be out to get Sideswipe alone. That, or it decided to spare Bluestreak. Either was a great possibility. Bluestreak was as likable as Sideswipe was infuriating, after all. Of this, Prowl was certain. Bluestreak WAS his brother.  
'Speaking of brothers...' Prowl thought as the door once again hissed open, this time admitting Sunstreaker. "Hello, Sunstreaker."  
Sunstreaker acknowledged Prowl with a short nod, all the while eying Bluestreak. "You wanted to see me?"  
Prowl could tell that Bluestreak's presence did absolutely nothing to reassure Sunstreaker. In fact, that just seemed to further prove that Sideswipe had done something inconceivably stupid. Bluestreak and Sideswipe were often partners in crime. It probably came with being besties with an insufferable prankster that doesn't know the meaning of the word 'no'. Bluestreak was probably dragged into the mischief by the hellion and was too nice to run away. No, Prowl's not being biased. Why do you ask? "Yes, I need to inform you of something."  
"...Guh..." Bluestreak muttered, reminding everyone he was still there.  
"...I must warn you that this is incredibly illogical. It has already broken Bluestreak, as you can see."  
"...Buh?"  
Sunstreaker turned his attention from Bluestreak to Prowl, his ever-present frown deepening. "Alright...what is it?"  
"Your brother-I am sure you know which brother I am referring to-is currently in the medbay due to being stabbed by a boar with a ten foot long two-by-four board in the rec room." Prowl stated, still hoping against hope that Red Alert already told him.  
"...What?"  
Scrap. Looks like he's back to not having nice things. Sighing, Prowl repeated the story. "Sideswipe was stabbed by an invading boar in the rec room with a two-by-four board."  
"...A boar." Sunstreaker looked torn between believing and not believing. On the one hand, Prowl rarely made jokes, and even if it _was_ a joke Prowl was smart enough to realize Sunstreaker wouldn't take kindly to someone telling him his brother got _stabbed_ just for laughs. On the other hand, this was ridiculous on so many levels it wasn't even funny. Apparently, the 'Prowl's serious' side won out if the fact that he was glaring at the wall and not Prowl was any indication. Probably because Sideswipe was seemingly an endless supply of the illogical. Quite frankly it's a miracle that he's lived as long as he has.  
"Yes. A boar. It was last seen in artillery closet C and Jazz, Mirage, and Gears are on their way to catch it. Sideswipe reportedly did not see it coming. I, for one, do not blame him." After all, what reason did any of them have for thinking a boar would-or could-skewer them. "Sideswipe has not kicked the metaphorical bucket yet as Ratchet has not told me otherwise." Unless, of course, Ratchet was otherwise occupied recovering from a major systems crash.  
"If that had killed him I wouldn't know whether to be sad, or really sad." Sunstreaker said flatly. "And I suppose that explains why Red Alert's been checking every single crack in the base."  
"Oh yeah! I noticed that too! Is he looking for the pig? Is that it? Or maybe he's trying to find out how it got in I'm sure the fact that it got through our security is driving him crazy-" Oh look. Bluestreak snapped out of his stunned stupor. How nice.  
"He is trying to find out how it got in, at my request. Whether or not my request was necessary is a different matter entirely." Prowl said, glancing at his brother. Knowing Red Alert, he probably needn't have requested anything. The security director would have gone nuts trying to figure it out on his own. He was very invested in his work. Some would say overly so. That same some would say the same of Prowl, though they had no idea what they were talking about. Twenty-three hours of work a day was perfectly reasonable as far as he was concerned.  
"I'm sure he'll find it Red Alert knows everything that happens in this base if he can't find it then nobody can isn't that right Sunstreaker and I guess the fact that this pig is a savage stabber explains why you were so interested in it are you worried that it'll grab a gun and shoot Sideswipe 'cause I'm pretty sure that our guns are twice as big as it at least and I doubt it'd be able to pull the trigger-"  
"Earlier this morning I was certain that a boar was incapable of stabbing us." Prowl deadpanned. "I now worry about what it would do with a gun."  
"Yeah...but why Sideswipe though I mean is it like a bull does the color red irritate it that much?"  
Prowl bit back a comment on Sideswipe's extreme irritability. Right. In the presence of his vengeful sibling. Sunstreaker probably wasn't dumb enough to try anything but better safe than having to clean up the mess later. "No, it does not hate the color red. If it did, Powerglide would be recovering from stab wounds and not stalking Optimus Prime with Huffer."  
"...Stalking Optimus why are they stalking Optimus..?"  
"It was probably just annoyed by Sideswipe's existence." Sunstreaker said, smirking. Okay, Sunstreaker insulted Sideswipe for him. More nice things.  
::Yo, Prowl! Got some bad news for ya, and some really bad news.:: Jazz chimed in.  
::...You sound entirely too cheerful to be bringing bad news.::  
"...Sideswipe's not _that_ annoying..." Bluestreak mumbled.  
::Cheerful's my default setting. To be anything else would go against my basic programming.:: Jazz joked. ::But seriously, yer not gonna like it.::  
"Easy for you to say. You haven't lived with him that long." Sunstreaker replied.  
::...What is it?:: Prowl sighed, already thinking about the possibilities.  
::The pig wasn't in the closet and after Gears ran inventory we found out that a thermo rocket launcher is missing.::  
"Oh, Primus..." Prowl grumbled, putting his head in his servos. That urge to facedesk was returning with a vengeance. ::Have someone watching the medbay at all times.::  
::Ya really think it'll try ta finish off Sideswipe?::  
::It is very likely.:: Prowl dutifully ignored the curious and/or concerned looks he was receiving from Bluestreak and Sunstreaker. ::It did not make an attempt to harm Bluestreak but I refuse to take any chances.::  
::Right-o, you're the boss!::  
::So are you.::  
::I'll set up a guard for the medbay then, sir!::  
::We are the same rank.::  
::Catch ya later Prowler!::  
::I told you not to call me that.::  
"Uh...Prowl? Everything alright?" Prowl looked up through his digits to see Bluestreak still staring at him, looking confused.  
Sunstreaker raised an optic ridge. "Does it have anything to do with Sideswipe?"  
Prowl did some staring of his own as he weighed the positives and negatives of telling them about the missing rocket launcher. Why did he have to babysit a bunch of dangerous lunatics, and protect them from other dangerous lunatics, Primus? Did he offend you in a previous life? "...It appears that this boar is bent on brutally murdering your brother, Sunstreaker."  
Sunstreaker scowled. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
"Yeah, Prowl, what do you mean?"  
"What I mean is the sus scrofa has disappeared from the artillery closet and so has a thermo rocket launcher." Prowl replied, noting how Bluestreak became more confused while a flicker of concern flashed over Sunstreaker's face, barely noticeable.  
"A thermo rocket launcher!?"  
"...what's a sus scrofa?"  
At this rate, Prowl's head was definitely going to get to know the surface of his desk very soon. "Sus scrofa, Bluestreak, is the scientific name of the wild boar. And yes. A thermo rocket launcher." Prowl was beginning to get tired of repeating himself, though he supposed it was probably karma for how much he made Powerglide repeat himself. "We are setting up a guard for the medbay right now."  
"Oh. Wait, you don't really think that the pig's gonna try and blow Sideswipe to pieces do you?" Bluestreak looked rather horrified at the very idea.  
"Actually, I d-"  
::Prowl!::  
::PROWL!::  
::Prowl?::  
Prowl jumped at the three different comms and winced at the volume of one in particular. Opening a community comm link so he could answer all three at once, he hissed. ::What? And one at a time. _please_.::  
::Prowl, I demand to know what's going on _this instant_!:: Ah. So Ratchet was the one who yelled at him and hurt his audios. Why is he not surprised. ::WHO STABBED SIDESWIPE!?::  
Prowl could practically see the other bots on the line cringing at Ratchet's voice. In fact, the only reason he couldn't was because he didn't know who they were. More importantly, it seemed like Powerglide and Huffer simply dropped Sideswipe off in the medbay and got the heck out of dodge without telling the medic anything. ::An angry sus scrofa. Next?::  
::A _WHAT_!?::  
::Um...Red Alert here. I just thought you might want to know that Inferno commed to tell me he saw the boar running through hall 7-C with a rocket launcher.::  
Prowl glared at nothing in particular. Just as he suspected. ::Where is Inferno now?::  
::He's filling in for me on monitor duty until I find the security breach.::  
::I see. Thank you for the information Red Alert, and thank Inferno for me as well. Any luck with your hunt?::  
::Negative. Still looking.::  
::Alright, I will let you get back to it. Next?:: With a soft click, Red Alert signed off.  
"Prowl? Why are you glaring at the wall?"  
Bluestreak's question went unheard as Optimus chimed in. ::Yes, I wanted to let you know that Jazz and I have posted Tracks and Air Raid outside of the medbay, with orders to comm one of us if and when the boar shows up.::  
::Affirmative.:: Prowl replied. Another click indicating that Prime had left the comm line. Ah, peace at last...  
::Prowl, what's a sus scrofa, why'd it stab Sideswipe, why is there a pig with a rocket launcher, what security breach, and why are Tracks and Air Raid outside!?:: Oh. Right. Ratchet was still there. Bother that medic. ::To answer your questions, Ratchet, a wild boar, I do not know, because the boar stole the rocket launcher, the boar slipped by our security systems somewhere, and to keep the boar from blowing Sideswipe up. Speaking of Sideswipe, is he still alive?::  
There was silence for a few seconds as Ratchet absorbed the illogical ridiculousness that Prowl just spewed before he zoned in on Prowl's question. ::Is he ali-of _course_ he's still alive! I'd sooner join the Decepticons and change my name to Twinky than let that glitch die! What kind of medic do you take me for!?::  
::I must admit that I am curious as to why you did not contact me until now.::  
::Because I was busy saving his life!...again...in all seriousness, Prowl, I came rather close to losing him several times. That pitspawn is lucky he's so hard to break.::  
Prowl grimaced. ::I see. Keep an optic on him. This boar seems irrationally interested in ending his life.::  
::I hear you Prowl. Ratchet out.::  
Prowl returned his attention to Bluestreak and Sunstreaker to find them both staring expectantly at him. "Yes?"  
"So...uh...is there anything you want us to do?" Bluestreak asked.  
Prowl thought for a second before nodding. "Yes, actually. Bluestreak, I need you to help catch this boar. It is time we ended this whole debacle. Inferno saw it in hall 7-C." Bluestreak saluted with a clunk as he smacked his head before darting out to head to hall 7-C. "Sunstreaker, you join Tracks and Air Raid at the medbay and keep that boar away from your brother." Sunstreaker nodded and left without another word. Finally left alone, Prowl's head collided with his desk with a loud thud as he gave into his urge.

Autobot Headquarters: 5:57 PM

Prowl walked through the halls at a brisk pace. Why would a wild boar want to murder Sideswipe? Why not someone else? Why not Optimus? Why not Jazz? Why not himself? Ugh...his processor was starting to hurt. Thoroughly ticked at the universe, Prowl arrived at his destination. Hall 7-C was a frequently utilized shortcut to the medbay(more frequently than what should be normal), and the fact that the boar was seen here with the rocket launcher was immensely unsettling. Scanning the hall, Prowl could see Optimus, Jazz, Mirage, Gears, Bluestreak, Skyfire, Bulkhead, Powerglide, Huffer, and Jetfire searching high and low for the boar. Prowl sighed before stalking over to Jetfire. "No results, I assume?" He muttered, glaring down the hallway.  
Jetfire jumped, startled at Prowl's sudden appearance. "Wha-? Oh hey, Prowl! ...And no. Haven't seen hide nor hair of the pig."  
Prowl was seriously wanting to hit something right now. "Wonderful. Keep looking." Why did these things never happen to the Decepticons? Prowl would pay good money to see Megatron and Starscream deal with elusive murderous pigs stabbing their soldiers.  
Hearing a quiet scuffing noise, Prowl whirled around-much faster than was strictly necessary-hoping to see the current bane of his existence. Instead, he saw Red Alert staring at him, optics extra bright. "Goodness, Prowl! Don't do that! You startled me!"  
"I apologize, Red Alert. It is just-"  
"Don't ya mind ol' Prowler. This pig business has got 'im wound up tight like a rattlesnake!" Prowl glared at Jazz as his fellow third-in-command smirked his way. Upon seeing Prowl's glare, Jazz's smirk grew bigger. "Case in point!"  
"Jazz. Shut up."  
"Ya wound me Prowler!"  
"Shut. Up."  
"Oh hey, Prowl! I didn't see you there! Are you going to help us look for the boar or are you going to the medbay to see if Sideswipe's awake and if so see what he knows or what?" There's Bluestreak, reminding everyone of his presence. Not that Prowl would admit it, but he'd actually forgotten he was there.  
Prowl resolutely ignored Jazz in favor of answering Bluestreak's question. "I am not yet certain, Bluestreak. However, Ratchet did not mention Sideswipe being conscious, so I shall probably stay here."  
"That would be rather helpful, actually." Mirage said, glancing over his shoulder.  
"Yeah, the more the merrier!" Jetfire laughed, grinning. How any of these half-wits could be in such a good mood despite the circumstances was beyond Prowl's understanding.  
"It's settled then." Optimus said, walking over. Prowl noted that Powerglide and Huffer followed at a distance. "Prowl, lend us a servo until Sideswipe wakes up. You can 'interrogate' him then."  
"Understood, sir." Prowl said with a quick salute. Noticing Red Alert was still there, he couldn't help asking-"I take it you still have not found the breach?"  
Red Alert frowned. "No." He hissed, though it was clear his anger wasn't directed at Prowl. "I don't understand it! The base's defenses are at peak efficiency! There is absolutely no way for that boar to have gotten in!"  
"Seriously?" Jazz asked, becoming somewhat serious for a change.  
"_YES_! It makes no sense!"  
"What about today does?" Gears asked rhetorically.  
"Perhaps it followed one of us in?" Skyfire suggested. "If it was careful enough, it wouldn't have been seen by the cameras."  
Red Alert stared at Skyfire for several seconds. "...Followed...you in..?"  
"...Is that not possible? Am I unintentionally adding to this nonsense?"  
"...No...no that's IT! It's the only explanation that makes sense!" Red Alert exclaimed. "Whoever it followed didn't notice it the same way no one in the rec room noticed it!"  
::...Prowl? It's Air Raid.::  
::Go ahead, Air Raid.::  
::The pig's here.::  
"SLAG!" Prowl yelled, drawing the attention of everyone in the hall. ::What is it doing!?:: No, Prowl's not panicking. Not in the slightest.  
::It's just...standing there. Staring.::  
::We will be right there.::  
::Please hurry...it's starting to scare me.::  
"Optimus, the boar is at the medbay. We have to get there NOW."  
Optimus was no idiot. He knew exactly why they had to go, and go now. Turning to the other Autobots, he took charge. "Well, you heard him! Charge!"

Autobot Headquarters: 6:07 PM

Prowl glared at the boar as he took in the sight in front of him. Tracks, Air Raid, and Sunstreaker were blocking the door to the medbay, and the boar stood in front of them. It had its stupidly large board in its mouth, and the rocket launcher was sitting on its back. The launcher itself was about ten times the size of the boar, making the sight far more ridiculous than it would have been otherwise.  
Another group of Autobots appeared on the other side of the medbay, consisting of Bumblebee, Hound, Trailbreaker, Beachcomber, Smokescreen, and X-Brawn.  
Prowl activated a group commlink, not taking his optics off the boar. ::Hound, Beachcomber, try to get behind it. Air Raid, Tracks, Sunstreaker, do not move unless it tries to get in.::  
::Hey, Prowl. Good news. Thought you might want to know that Sideswipe has decided to join us in the land of the living.:: Ratchet commed, unknowingly telling every Autobot outside.  
::So he is conscious, then?::  
::Yes, he is.::  
::Do not let him leave. The boar is right outside your door, and it is determined to finish what it started.::  
::He's hardly repaired enough to be allowed to _stand_ much less leave. A fact which annoys him and myself greatly. Do you want me to tell him what happened?::  
Prowl mulled it over for a few seconds. ::Actually, I think I shall tell him myself.:: He wanted to see the look on Sideswipe's face. After all, the story broke Bluestreak and not Red Alert so there was a great possibility that it could break Sideswipe too, and well, revenge was sweet.  
::Alright, then. Ratchet out.::  
During the course of the conversation, Hound and Beachcomber had managed to work their way behind the boar. ::What now, Prowl?:: Beachcomber asked.  
::Hound, grab the rocket launcher. Beachcomber, you grab the boar. Everyone else, do _not_ let it escape.:: He may not be Sideswipe's biggest fan by any means, but there was no way he was going to just _let_ a kill-crazy boar kill the frontliner. ::NOW!::

-(One extremely hard struggle involving paint guns, tin foil, duct tape, flowers, and explosions later...)-

"-And then the paint gun _exploded_ all over Powerglide and he slipped on the tinfoil falling face first into Tracks and Skyfire was absolutely _covered_ in _duct tape_ and tripped over Powerglide and Tracks and fell into the flowers and then the rocket launcher fell down from where it was stuck to the ceiling and hit Optimus in the head and dropped onto Jetfire who was _still_ unconscious on top of Sunstreaker and Prowl _finally_ caught the pig just as the duct tape keeping Red Alert on the ceiling gave out it was _hilarious_ you should have seen it!" Bluestreak was living up to his name as he spouted off every. Single. Detail. Of the-ahem-'fight' to a gaping Sideswipe.  
Prowl smirked from his place by the wall. Oh, yes. Sideswipe's face was indeed priceless. _Especially_ when he told the frontliner just _what_ exactly landed him in the medbay. Prowl was saving his gobsmacked look to his hard drive for all eternity. Sideswipe was never living this down. _Ever_. "So Sideswipe, do you understand what happened or is Ratchet going to have to fix a fried processor?" Oh, Prowl was most certainly milking this. It's not just your imagination.  
Sideswipe turned his head to stare at Prowl. "I get it. What I _don't_ get is why it took twenty Autobots to stop it."  
"I told you. That boar was in a particularly nasty mood."  
"Yeah...that doesn't explain the paint guns and duct tape."  
"Well. It hardly matters at this point."  
"...I think it does..."  
"It does not. Matter."  
"What _does_ matter is we never figured out why it was so intent on murdering you." Bluestreak chimed in. "Why were you in the rec room anyway? I thought you were gonna recharge or something."  
"I was bored." Sideswipe shrugged. He quieted for a moment as an odd look passed over his face. Suddenly, he started snickering.  
"...What's so funny?" Bluestreak asked as Prowl frowned.  
"It's nothing...just-heh...when I said I was gonna die of boredom, this wasn't what I meant!" Sideswipe was flat-out laughing at this point, which Prowl found infuriating. Mostly because he didn't get it.  
Bluestreak looked thoughtful for a moment before a look of realization came over his face. He immediately started laughing.  
Prowl frowned harder. "I do not get it. What is so humorous?"  
Sideswipe grinned and tried to talk through his laughs. "You-haha-you wouldn't! You're not-ha!-very well versed in ba-ha-ad puns!"  
"Bad puns?"  
Bluestreak looked at Prowl, shaking with a serious case of the giggles. "You...you see...boardom. As in B-O-A-R-D-O-M."  
Prowl stared at the two. "You are mistaken. That is not a bad pun, it is a terrible pun."  
"And isn't bored another way to say stabbed?" Sideswipe asked.  
Prowl looked at him warily, already dreading where this was going. "...Yes. Why?"  
"Because I just got bored with a board by a boar while I was bored!"  
...Prowl was starting to wonder why he saved Sideswipe's life in the first place.

-The End...or is it?-


End file.
